DH is NOT 40. Yet.

Milestone birthdays and me do not seem to mix very well.  When I turned 30, my twin boys had both recently come home from the NICU.  We had the extended family come over, as is traditional in my family, and a cake (I think), but most of the evening was spent passing my beautiful boys around and ooing and aaahing over them.  Sleep deprivation and new mom hormones combined, and the evening was a blur.

Earlier this month I turned 40.  Not only was it the second night of Passover (which normally would have been spent participating in the Second Night Seder at my synagogue) but I was sick.  Apparently now that I had pneumonia in October, every head cold has the potential of settling in my lungs and becoming pneumonia all over again.  I worked hard (a lot of rest, liquids, decongestants, antibiotics, and two different inhalers) and I did NOT end up in the hospital again, but it still took me a good two weeks to get over.  I didn't even get a cake this year, and only my mom (who stopped by on the day of my birthday to bring me a present from both my parents but stayed well at the other end of the couch to avoid getting what I had) sang me "Happy Birthday."

Around that time, DH (who is a full year younger than me) started talking about inviting a few friends over to celebrate his birthday which is at the end of this month.  He assured me that he would take care of everything.  He also told me that this was going to be a "I'm not yet 40" party (nice, isn't he.)  Fast forward to this weekend.  I asked him to make me a list of everyone he had invited and show me who has said they are coming.  The list of RSVPs is already well over twenty!  When I asked him if he was planning to barbecue, he infomred me that he thought "we" would just do a whole bunch of appetizers like "we" do for New Year's Eve.  Of course, that is the royal we.

So this week, in addition to everything else I need to do, I will be compiling a list of appetizers, shopping for the ingrediants, and then making anything I can make ahead of time.  I will post recipes after I have finished compiling them.

And after his "I'm not 40!" party is over, I am going to start planning my do-over 40th birthday party.  Because I so have it coming to me!

Life is Crazy

Okay, so I'm not blond, and I actually
have three kids, but this picture
might give you some idea of how I feel.

My life feels like it is always in chaos.  No matter what I do, no matter what I clean, I blink and dishes are piled up all around the house, crumbs are scattered on the carpet, and dirty clothes are everywhere.

So I do what I always do: search online until I find a new cure-all to solve my house woes.  Only now I have discovered (and have fallen head over heals completely in love with) Pinterest.  Which means that I spend a good deal of time finding and pinning pictures of organized rooms or walls or corners that make me swoon.

Pictures like this:

Is this not the most beautifully organized desk you have ever seen?  Unfortunately, I cannot find the actual website it came from, so I am unable to properly credit the person who created this vision of loveliness, but please know that my dearest wish (okay, ONE of my dearest wishes) is to snap my fingers and make this picture come to life right here next to where I am typing.

Thank you to Clair at Once Upon a Chocolate Chip Pancake for this amazing Menu Planning Board idea!  I am so tired of one (or two or three) kids coming up to me as I'm making dinner to find out what we are having and, upon hearing it, bursting into tears or whines or complaints about how much they don't want that.  At least if I create this board and display it prominently somewhere in the house, the kids will have time to prepare themselves for whatever culinary masterpiece I am about to serve them.

I found this idea at A Brooklyn Limestone In Progress and fell in love with it.  The best part is I think I actually already have some of these pieces from IKEA.

I have Kevin & Amanda to thank for this incredibly organized kitchen cabinet.  Don't get me wrong; that is not a picture of MY kitchen cabinet, only what I hope my kitchen cabinet will look like after I have organized it based on this inspiration.

Sigh.

Of course, none of those inspiring pictures are going to help me shovel out the chaos that has overtaken my house, despite DH's best efforts, while I was sick these last two weeks.

On a side note, did you know that once you have Pneumonia, you are very susceptible to getting it again?  Like, any time you get another cold?  At all?  Yeah, me neither.  And while I did not end up in the hospital again, I have been fighting this Bronchitis/Reactive Airway Disease crap since right before Passover began to keep it from settling in my lungs.  All of that meant I had to stay in bed and rest for a LONG time since getting up and trying to do the least little thing left me out of breath and struggling for air.  Fun times. 

My plan for this Sunday, while DH had the kids at my in-laws for most of the day, was to attack the kitchen (Because make no mistake, this is a war and I am most definitely losing.): clean out the fridge, clean off the counters, pack up the unopened Passover foods (not like they're going to go bad any time soon), and generally reorganize and get a better handle on the food in the cabinets.  Then I was going to prep the meals for the week in an attempt to bring a small amount of peace to my world of chaos.

However, as I have always found:

In this case that translates to The Princess being sick - just sick enough to not be happy with ANYTHING I say or do but still needing my attention every three to five minutes.  Oh, and did I mention how she is always in such a good mood when she's sick, especially when she no longer has a fever and feels a little better and wants to go outside and play with the other kids and I'm just so mean and horrible because I won't let her do it.   Don't get me wrong - if she wanted me to cuddle up with her or play with her I would.  But no, she doesn't want that, she doesn't want anything, she just wants to complain.

So I'm going to tackle this the FLYlady way: fifteen minutes at a time.  Let's see how much I can do in that kitchen in fifteen minutes, and then I'll sit with The Princess and give her my undivided attention for fifteen minutes.  Who knows?  Maybe she'll even acknowledge my presence without complaining about how much she wants to go outside!

Menu Planning

In an attempt to once again organize my life, I am putting together a basic menu plan that (in theory) is good for the next month and a half.  This time around I am taking no chances; I got input from Twin A, my pickiest eater, to determine meals that he really likes.  I decided to simply pick a food category for each day of the week and go from there.  Normally I get caught up in making fun titles for each day using alliteration, but I'm too tired, so instead we have chicken on Mondays, make your own pizza on Tuesdays, beef on Wednesdays, vegetarian or breakfast on Thursdays, Shabbat dinner at my parents' or once a month at my synagogue on Fridays, "mish mash" (a.k.a. leftovers) on Saturdays, and Sunday dinners are usually at my in-laws'.  I am going to list a bunch of choices for each category and just pick and choose each week.  Here's the plan:

Mondays -

• Baked Slow Cooker Chicken - So simple, yet it gives us chicken for that night and then lots of leftovers that I can freeze for the next week.
• Chicken Pot Pies - I love this recipe. It makes individual pot pies, one for everyone. Of course, for Twin A, I will simply give him the cooked chicken and the vegetables; there's no point in even giving him the pot pie.
• Orange Chicken - For those rare times I have chicken breasts (like when DH goes grocery shopping and buys them because I said "buy some chicken" - not thinking I needed to specify "make sure it is less that $2 a pound")
• Busy Day Chicken - The recipe says to do this with a whole chicken, which I've never tried, however I can vouch for how well it works with chicken legs and/or thighs.
• Chicken and Apples - Love my slow cooker!

Tuesdays -
Make-Your-Own Pizza
In an effort to be healthy and frugal, I plan on making my own crust using this recipe.  I am going to put out lots of cut up veggies which will hopefully encourage the kids to add them to their pizzas.

Wednesdays -

• Meatloaf
• Make-Your-Own Tacos - Cooked ground beef, chopped tomatoes and lettuce, grated cheese, and taco shells, with sauce on the side so Twin A will eat it.
• Pot Roast - Again, gotta say it, I love my slow cooker!
• Cranberry Roast
• Beef Stew - I love stew.  Twin A can't stand foods that are all mixed together, so when I make stew, I scoop some up in a big pasta spoon, rinse it off in hot water, and then separate the foods on his plate so he doesn't get too overwhelmed.

Thursdays -

• Pancakes
• French Toast Sticks - I cut hot dog roll halves into thirds, dip them in the egg mix, and then fry it just like normal.  I give the kids a little bowl with some syrup in it for dipping.
• Apple-Raisin French Toast Casserole - Twin B's favorite!
• Egg sandwiches - DH has introduced the kids to bacon and the boys LOVE it.  I grew up keeping Kosher, so I still can't quite get myself to buy real bacon, but I have gotten quite good at cooking them turkey bacon.  The boys love these sandwiches with bacon and cheese, and the Princess is thrilled with it as long as it is on a biscuit or english muffin.
• Ravioli - no sauce for Twin A, sauce on the side for the Princess, and lots of sauce all over it for Twin B
• Grilled cheese

Prioritizing

Ever make a Wordle before?  It's a great website where you can just type in a bunch of words (or cut and paste text from another source) and it creates these word art pictures.  I've used it while teaching before but never for myself, but today just felt like a good day to start.  I'm overwhelmed with all that I need to do and having an incredibly difficult time prioritizing.

If I lived in a vacuum (or was able to locate life's remote control so I could just hit <PAUSE> for a little bit) I would devote all my time to finishing the @#$% coursework I need to finish in order to reactivate my teaching certificate.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, take a moment and read all about it.  Right now.  No, I'm serious.  I'll wait.









All done?

Good!

Okay, so now you know I still need to complete eighty continuing education hours in order to be able to teach and/or substitute in a public school once again.  And in case you're curious, this is directly from the PA Department of Education Website:

 

What must educators do to remain in compliance with Act 48?

Educators must maintain their certificates as active

by earning six collegiate credits

or six PDE-approved in-service credits

or 180 continuing education hours

or any combination of the above every five calendar years. 

NOTE: Each collegiate credit is equal to 30 continuing education hours.

I guess the good news is that I have already completed one hundred CEUs (Continuing Education Units or Hours) and am one third of the way through a course worth thirty CEUs.  Plus the courses I have found are free, on-line, and self-paced, so I can squeeze them in whenever I can.  The bad news is everything is so friggin' time consuming!

Which brings me back to the title of this post.  If I did live in a vacuum and could just hunker down and finish the remaining eighty CEUs in order to reactivate my teaching certification, I would be able to substitute a couple times a week, bringing in an extra six hundred plus a month, give or take, which would make an enormous difference in our lives right now.

HOWEVER . . . I don't live in a vacuum, and even though I know completing the coursework to reactivate my certification would solve so many of our problems, I have to continue dealing with every other aspect of our lives at the same time.  And there is a lot of other "stuff" to have to deal with.

And so it comes down to prioritizing, a task that apparently I suck at.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the basic concept.  I need to list everything I have to do and then determine what is the most important, then the second most important, and so on, and tackle the most important things on the list first, gradually moving down the list.  And in theory, that works and sounds pretty simple. 


But in reality life has all kinds of lists, and there are high priority items on all of them.  So how do you determine which items need to be dealt with now and which ones can be put off until later? Or should I really just be looking into figuring out a way to combine all my lists together and somehow prioritize all the different tasks on that master list?


Just so I'm clear, here are my various life To Do lists:

1. Reactivate my teaching certificate
2. Maintain "order" in the house by cleaning on a regular basis and decluttering/organizing the crap that seems to overflow from every room in our house
3. Figure out to feed everyone relatively healthy that everyone will eat and still stick to our extremely tight budget
4. Get out of debt while still paying all our other bills on time AND buying groceries so everyone can eat at least three times a day
5. Lose forty pounds
6. Make sure each of the three kids' academic and social-emotional needs are being met both at home and at school, both during the school year AND during the summer
7. Teach at my part-time position

I could literally spend all day simply working on one or two tasks on ANY of these lists.  And notice I did not include anything about developing and/or maintaining any personal relationships, even though this is an area of my life that is severely lacking. 

The problem is clearly that each of those seven To Do lists is vitally important and none of them can be ignored.  And when I spend time focusing on any one of them, I neglect the rest, resulting in total disaster.  I am sure there is a way to maintain balance and figure out a way to accomplish it all, but I simply do not see it.  So what do I do?

My favorite way to escape my life


Clearly I have too much on my plate.  If a friend was telling me all this, I would tell them they were trying to do too much and to give themselves a break.  And while I understand that, it doesn't really seem an option.

I mean, let's say I focus primarily on reactivating my certification.  As things stand right now, we are just squeaking by living paycheck to paycheck.  Our credit cards are pretty much maxed out, both of our credit scores totally suck, our debt is monumental, and we have gone through any emergency savings we ever amassed.  I need to continually seek out ways to save money, get financial assistance, and/or bring in more money.  And I cannot do that if I am only working on completing my online courses!

And let's say I focus on figuring out ways to make sure we CAN pay all our bills each month with a little extra towards paying down our debt?  Then I don't have enough time to keep up with all the work that has to be done around the house and things get out-of-control pretty quickly.

So let's say I focus on maintaining the house AND making sure we still have enough money to keep the lights on?  Then making sure all three kids' needs are being met at school and at home goes out the window.  We are still struggling to find the right medication to treat Twin A's ADHD to help him focus in class and not do things like, I don't know, getting up in the middle of direct instruction to initiate a conversation with another student.  And he still is having many, many, many meltdowns both at school and at home about any little thing - it is pretty hard to anticipate what will set him off.  And I also have two other kids who have their own struggles and problems!

To say I'm overwhelmed is an understatement.

To say I need a friggin' break doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.


And what do I end up doing for a good portion of the day today? 

Do I clean?

Cook?

Figure out a grocery list that will take advantage of the store sales and my coupons?

Work on my courses?

Work on my budget once again?

Spend another day doing research into various options for the kids to do this summer?



NO.





I choose to blog about it all instead.


Sigh.

Miss Mommy the Firefighter

I am so busy putting out fires all the time.  I fear if I stop even for a moment the whole thing might just burst into flames.  That would be bad.  So I keep on dealing with the emergency issues that arise regularly and continue to try to get on top of it all. 

Maybe I need some kind of fire retardant spray to simply mist over the house, the family, the bank account, and whatever else I'm missing to allow me to get out of this position, figure out a way to keep it all under control and maybe even (gasp!) improve things just a little.

I feel as if I cannot focus on any one thing for any length of time because it ultimately results in me unintentionally letting something else slide.  I might spend a good chunk of the day looking through store circulars and coupons in order to create a grocery list that might fit with our extremely tight budget only to get comments from DH (who IS appreciative of the hard work I put into creating said list) about how The Princess is down to her last pair of clean pants and could I PLEASE do her laundry tomorrow.  Or spend a lot of time trying to revise our basic behavior modification for the kids to attempt to improve life at home only to find out that I somehow missed paying a credit card bill (even though I thought I had everything automated).

Here are the issues:

• Money is so extremely tight, but those darn kids still want to eat on a regular basis!  Don't worry, I'm kidding, I feed the kids, but it really is tough figuring out HOW to buy all those groceries and still pay the mortgage. 

I thought I had a solution with refinancing the house, but after paying almost $500 for the appraisal, the underwriter had a problem with the fact that no one can find the permit from when we converted our garage into a playroom way back in 2004 when I was 700 months pregnant with The Princess) and things ended up taking much longer than expected.  Ultimately the company is still willing to work with us, but since the bank that currently holds our mortgage is now going to take about three to four weeks to do whatever it is on their end that they do to basically sign the mortgage over to the new company, they want an additional $700+ to lock in the rate they promised us.  "But don't worry - you can just turn that over and include it with the rest of the loan."  Uh...no, I don't think so.  As it stands, the house was appraised lower than we expected, which increased how much we were going to be borrowing, and now this?

The biggest problem is that apparently both of our credit scores are very low right now.  This sucks!  I think the most important thing at this point is to work towards increasing our scores by making sure EVERY bill gets paid on time and do everything we can to pay down our debt.  Of course, when we're scrambling just to make sure the electric bill can get paid this month, it's a little hard to find any extra money to put towards our debt, let alone towards rebuilding our emergency fund.

If you want to read more about the scintillating tale of how I'm trying to get rid of our debt and not starve to death, check out my new blog!

• Trying to meet each of the three kids' needs feels like it is getting harder every week.  The Princess goes back and forth between being responsible and downright likeable to whining and doing every attention-seeking negative behavior in the world.  Twin B is so sensitive and so needy and wants to tell me stories all the time but it takes him so incredibly long to relay even just one story I feel like I'm losing my mind.  And then there's Twin A.  His ADHD and Asperger's have collided to create the perfect storm of neediness that is challenging the fact that I ever described myself as a patient person.

• I need to lose weight - forty pounds, to be exact.

If you want to read all about my exciting journey (I figure if I describe it as "exciting" maybe I'll actually begin to believe it) to lose weight and get in shape, check out my new blog!

Yes, that was TWO plugs for my other blog.  Do you have a problem with that?

• This new computer SUCKS!  It is soooo slow and freezes up all the time, making everything I do all day online take even longer than it should, and yet I have no money for a better one.

• I need to complete eighty more Continuing Education Hours in order to reactivate my teaching certificate and even begin to sub again, let alone potentially get a full-time teaching job again.  And between trying to figure out how to continue paying the mortgage each month, making sure each kid is functioning appropriately both at home and at school, determining the best buys at the grocery stores so we can actually eat, making food that everyone will eat - especially Twin A whose current ADHD meds kill his appetite, trying to make time to go to the gym on a regular basis, ensuring everyone has clean underwear and socks to wear, making sure every bill has been paid without causing us to bounce any checks, I have not found enough time to complete the on-line self-paced courses I need to complete to make that happen. 

And that's about all the time I have to share for now.  The kids will be walking through the door in twenty minutes, and I still have to unload and reload the dishwasher, season the chicken and chop up the potatoes and celery and put them all in the oven, fold the load of laundry that just finished drying plus switch the wet load into the dryer and put a new load into the washer, and clean off the table on which they will do their homework and try to think of a healthy snack for them all to eat since they will undoubtably be "starving." 

And I never made it to the gym again.

   

On the Bright Side

This week is going to be a better week.  I'm not taking a chance and making the obvious joke that it just HAS to  be better than this past week, because we all know that's not true.  That being said, these are the good things:

My ILs bought DH and me a new fridge as an early holiday present to replace the one that was making the constant LOUD humming noise and whose freezer not only was no longer working but was also pouring water out onto the floor for us to clean up each morning.  It got delivered today and It. Is. Beautiful.

We got Twin A to the cardiologist on Friday who confirmed the Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome diagnosis and scheduled the cardiac ablation for mid-November.  The best part is that they will give him medication to put him to sleep before they even put in the IV!  He will need to stay over night, but the procedure will only take five hours instead of the possible twelve hours that I had read about on-line.  I'm just so relieved to have a plan to deal with this issue.  The doctor also assured me that Twin B is okay to use his ADD meds since no WPW showed up on his EKG. 

Physically I am finally feeling better.  My breathing is still not 100% but literally every day brings improvement.  The biggest problem I have now is that I will almost forget I'm still recovering from pneumonia and will walk somewhere at my normal fast pace until I suddenly realize that I have to stop and catch my breath.  However, since when I came back from the hospital I had to stop three times just to walk up the stairs, I think I'm doing pretty good.

There is still a lot of stuff going on around here making me feel overwhelmed, but I am trying to focus on what I am going to do about each situation instead of just feeling paralyzed.  I plan to make a fresh To Do list for this coming week and do what I can do.

A New Day - A New Outlook

Don't get me wrong - I'm still stressed.

Last night after I wrote my post, I hunted down the Halloween candy DH had bought and hid from all of us - and I don't even like that kind of candy!

I am a pragmatic person.  Things ARE overwhelming and feel completely out-of-control right now, and I'm sure something else will go wrong at some point today (call from the school nurse? a leak in the upstairs bathroom coming through the kitchen ceiling - again? a termite infestation?) but I have to focus on what has to be dealt with right now and see what I can do.

The biggest most pressing problem right now is the finances.  The district that DH works for is currently under contract negotiations.  The teachers have been working without a contract since the beginning of the year.  For some bizarre reason, that translates into NO tuition reimbursement, NO salary bumps after completing any continuing education courses, and NO regular cost of living increase in salaries.  And no, even once the contract is signed, nothing will be retroactive.  I know.  It doesn't make any sense to me either. 

Ignoring the slight salary increase that we were counting on, the worst part is DH is currently in a Master's program and is completing one course each semester.  The course he is in now ends on Thursday, and due to no tuition reimbursement from the district, he will be taking a break from the program until a contract is signed.  The worst part right now is that the two thousand dollar tuition for the course he is just finishing now has to be paid.  We were counting on getting some/all of that reimbursed from the district.  Now we have to figure out how to pull $2000 out of the air.

Our fridge is on its last legs.  My extremely generous in-laws have offered to buy us a new fridge as an early Christmas/Chanukkah gift for the two of us.  What a relief to not have to worry about figuring out how to pay for that!  There is stress still involved with finding a fridge that fits our small space and the other features I want (Energy Star Qualified and french doors), but at least the money aspect of that is not a concern.

I work best with clear goals, so I'm going to make a TO DO list of what I need to do to try to improve our current financial situation:

1.  Contact the bank that holds our Home Equity Line of Credit - maybe we can take more money from that to pay DH's tuition and my hospital bill without affecting how much we're paying each month too much.
Not going to happen - already borrowed the maximum amount we could borrow.

2.  Finish completing the on-line application for state assistance.  I have no idea if we will qualify for anything, and I really never thought I would need to do this, but it's there for a reason and it sure would help.  If nothing else, both boys qualify for Medical Assistance due to their autism diagnosis, and that is actually not income dependent.  If I can get that set up quickly enough, that should cover medical expenses for any procedures related to this new cardiac stuff.  Wonder if it would also cover copays for Twin B's therapist?  Hmmm....
Completed!  "Only" took about four hours altogether.  Of course, then it gave me a list of literally twenty different documents I need to find, make copies of, and then deliver tot he county office.

3. Call each of the three credit cards we own (two are maxed out and the other is $500 from its limit) and ask for a lower interest rate.  I heard that if you ask for this and ask for that person's manager (I think) when they tell you they can't do that, it could happen.  I figure it can't hurt!
It took forever, but I managed to do this for one, reducing it from 29% to 12%, after I requested help due to financial hardships.  This rate will be good for one year, and I can't use the card for that year (fine with me), but at least it will help in paying it off!  Still haven't managed to do this for the other two cards - yet.

4.  Figure out a new way to pay for oil and my gym membership (I know, it seems like a splurge, but I really need to lose weight - I'm actually considered obese at this point - and I will be reimbursed $150 if I go at least one hundred eighty days in the course of the year.  Talk about incentive!) since they were on a credit card that is now maxed out.
No time for this.

5.  I reduced what we pay for car insurance and home owner's insurance.  Next I'm going after life insurance, oil, and electric.
No time for this.


I now have four and a half hours before the kids get home.  There's only five things on my to do list - should be no problem.  Right?  Right?!!  Or maybe not.

Stop the World...

.....I Want to Get Off!

Okay, not really, but I'm sure that anyone who is reading this (IS anyone reading this?) knows what I mean when I say I just want to press that big pause button on the remote control of life ("That's poetic - that's pathetic."  Anyone know the musical I'm quoting here?  Anyone?  Anyone?!!  Bueller?).  Not really stop everything, just slow it down for a little bit.  Or maybe pause it completely, let me catch up, and then I can press play again.  Is that really too much to ask?  I know FLYlady always says that I'm not behind, that I should just jump in where I am, but I feel like I'm always playing catch up with my life.  And just when I feel like I'm kind of on top of something, something else pops up that I have to deal with immediately, causing everything else to get put off, yet again.

I think it really comes down to the fact that I feel like I am a juggler, minus the clown make up and funny clothes.  Granted, I must be pretty good since I have so many balls that I'm able to keep up in the air, but I never really intended to be a circus performer.  Each of my kids is a ball unto themselves that I must keep juggling around and around to ensure they each get my attention.  So is my husband.  And then there's work, both my current job and the sucky job search for next year, two different balls.  The bills.  The house.  The mountain of paperwork.  The food.  My weight.  I work really hard  to keep each ball going round and round without dropping anything.  Sometimes one of the little balls becomes a bowling ball for a while, needed so much extra strength from me to continue moving through the air, but usually I can handle that.  The problem comes when I have days like today where not only do I find myself suddenly on a unicycle, which I don't know how to ride, someone added in a flaming torch or two to all the balls I'm already juggling.  I would love to be able to just stop, get off the bike, put down all the balls, and find something to extinguish the fire in the torches, but apparently it's against the rules. 

So I'll do what I usually do, the only thing I can figure out what to do:  I'll fake it.

I will drop as many balls as I can manage.  The mountain of paperwork may get bigger.  The bills might go unpaid.  And my weight?  Forget about it!  I'll transfer the rest to one hand for as long as possible while dealing with the flaming torches in the other hand.  And I'll try to keep the pedals on the unicycle moving, for even if I want to just crawl into bed, under the covers, and hide, the moment I stop, even if it's just to take a breath, that's when everything will come crashing down all around me.

Too Many Directions to Be Pulled

The dishes.

The laundry.

Meal planning.

Buying groceries.

Cleaning out the fridge.

Picking up the @#$% all around the house.

Working with the Princess on her attitude.

Working with Twin A as we adjust his medication.

Working with Twin B (and his teacher) with the HUGE amount of homework he has every night.
Attempting to get a chance to communicate and check in with DH at least once a day.
Balancing the checkbook.
Sorting through this mountain of paperwork.
Figuring out our finances so we can start paying down the massive credit card debt.
Fixing what is STILL messed up financially from needing to close our checking account and opening a second one after my purse was stolen containing my checkbook.
Finishing this online course I'm taking to get continuing education hours.
Registering for and completing three more online courses to complete all of the continuing education hours so that my certification can become active again.
Writing a resume.
Personally delivering it to all the principals within the school district I used to teach to introduce myself (yeah, it's only been nine years but all the principals are new).
Contacting all the teachers I used to work with and begging them to put in a good word for me.

Researching new ideas/techniques that might help so many different kids I am currently teaching.

Advocating for my mom as she just had surgery and spent the next four days in the hospital.

Helping my mom at home as she recovers from surgery for the next two months.

The house.

The kids.

My husband.

The bills.

Our finances.

My current teaching position.

My next teaching position (I want to get back into elementary school).

My mom.

And there's only one of me.

I'm Late!

There was a time, a long time ago, when time was my own.  If I wanted to get to my classroom early, I simply set the alarm for an earlier time.  When I woke in the morning, I could shower, dress, maybe make something for breakfast that I could take with me, and go.  I would often be in my classroom at least an hour before my contracted start time and would usually stay for two hours after my contracted end time.  When I arrived at home, DH would either have dinner made already or I would throw something together for the two of us and we would eat.  And that was that.

Fast forward to the present time.  My time has not been "my own" for so long that I can hardly remember what that felt like.  If I wanted to go to work early now, too bad!   Not just am I a slave to the bus pick up time, I feel like I am a slave to each of their individual moods and tempermants.  I feel like I never really know what will set someone off to have a full-blown meltdown, the kind where the child has thrown himself on the floor sobbing because ______.  Yeah, it's the fill-in-the-blank part that makes it so tough.  Maybe it's the fact that someone's library book is not where they thought it was and now they just have to find it or they'll get in trouble.  Or someone has decided that they are "too sick" to go to school and is just going to flat out refuse to get dressed.  Or maybe someone turned off the TiVo accidentally the night before, which means there is a possiblity it will make a strange, apparently terrifying noise if it gets turned on now.  Never mind that we are not going to turn it on until after school, the thought that it MIGHT make that strange noise is enough to suddenly make it impossible for someone to even come down the steps.

The boys are both on the higher end of the Autism Spectrum.  The girl is six going on thirteen with all the moods associated with being a teenager.  This is an example of a typical morning:

I get up.  As I walk out of my room into the bathroom I tell the kids (all three are in front of the heating vent in the boys' room) to put their books down and get dressed.  I wash up in the bathroom and come out about ten minutes later.  I again tell the kids to put their books down and get dressed.  This time I actually go over and remove the distractions books from their hands.  Twin A begins screaming.  Twin B covers his ear.  The Princess goes into her room to get dressed.      

Me: Twin B, move away from your brother and get dressed. (He ignores me and begins to try to make his brother laugh.)  Twin B, go NOW.  (He reluctantly leaves his brother, still teasingly saying things like, "Is that a smile I see?  C'mon, I think it is!")

Me: Twin A, take a breath.  (He stops screaming and attempts to take a deep breath.)  And again.  (He is able to take a deeper breath this time, but has begun making a new noise that sounds almost like a high-pitched speed boat is taking off - b,b,b,b,b . . .)  When you're calm, I can talk to you.  (The noise slowly stops.)  Okay, now as soon as you are dressed down to your shoes, come downstairs and you can keep looking at your book.

Twin A:  Okay, Mommy! (He now speaks in a cheerful, bright voice, the tantrum completely behind him)

I continue on into my bedroom and begin getting dressed.  As soon as I put down the towel, the door begins opening.

Me:  Please KNOCK FIRST!

The door shuts and someone knocks on the other side.

Me:  Hang on a moment!  (I grab my towel again and open the door to see The Princess standing there, still in her pajamas.  I just KNEW it had been too easy with her!)

The Princess:  I sick.  (Yes, she's six, but she has started this annoying habit of talking as if she was two.)

Me:  (After feeling her head) Nope, you're a cool as a cucumber.  Go get dressed.

At which point The Princess throws herself to the floor, sobbing that I don't understand, that she's sick, she just CAN'T go to school, why am I being so mean, etc.

I shut the door, finished getting dressed, and step out of my room again.  I give The Princess a warning that if she doesn't stop screaming and gets dressed, she will have a time out.  She calls my bluff, so into her room she goes.  Even with the door shut, I still hear her sobbing all sorts of things about how mean I am and that she really is sick and how she doesn't understand why I just can't stay home with her.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.  And before you all start calling Children and Family Services on me, please understand that if she was actually sick, I would make the arrangements neccessary to stay home with her.  However, to keep things fair for everyone, my rule is no fever = no staying home from school.

I poke my head in the boys' room to see that Twin A has gotten distracted once again by another book.  I take that one away but am able to nip the tantrum in the bud.  Twin B is putting on his shoes at this point.  I head downstairs and begin getting breakfast.

On the one hand I feel kind of bad to even somewhat complain about this.  It took us five years to finally conceive our twins.  Had I read something like this back when we were trying to get me pregnant, I would have thought, "You ungrateful @#$%!  I would trade lives with you in a second if it meant I could finally get the chance to be a mom."  And I am so grateful that I HAVE children and am a mother.

On the other hand . . . .

It is nice to daydream once in a while that time is my own again.  And I know, before I know it, they will be grown and out of the house, and I can have as much of my own time as I want.  But for now, today, after another morning of running around the house trying to keep all three of them on target, meltdown-free, and ready to get out the door in time to catch their bus all while I am trying to get myself dressed, fed, and ready to walk out the door as soon as I know for sure they have caught the bus and I don't have to, once again, drive them to school, time is most certainly NOT on my side.